I'm sitting here thinking how much I want to break down and cry.
Wow.
That sounds so dramatic but it's sadly and pathetically true.
I was so happy when I first started high school. I was so sure that I would find love but now I'm standing alone in a throng of people who have their own agendas and the one guy I thought might be there to lean on isn't there. Click on this link and listen to the song I'm listening to right now. Maybe you'll get a more accurate idea of what I feel like right now. tellinghttp://pl.st/s/728018449
This year has turned into wishful thinking and let down hopes. I never thought I'd be the girl alone in the library at lunch with no friends except for the lady at the front desk. It makes me sad. I've never had no friends before. I'm scared I won't be able to have a social life because I've burned those bridges.
But I couldn't do it anymore.
I used to feel loved and have all these friends who made me laugh and laughed at everything funny that I said. But after a while, I just couldn't do it anymore.
It got to a point where my friends saw a completely different person than I was. They expected me to be one way everyday...and when things got difficult, they distanced themselves, like they were scared of the person I was when I wasn't smiling.
Everytime I was with them, I stopped having fun. I refrained from saying what was really on my mind because I knew they wouldn't listen. When they asked me what was wrong, I would tell them. They would change the subject and suddenly show no interest in my feelings. So I stopped telling them what was wrong. I remember starting out on one week, desperate to go back to how things were, and deciding right then and there that I would be the best friend that I could be and would try my hardest to be happy and upbeat and more like the "old me".
Towards the end of the week, I was feeling better. I felt like I was really getting through to them and that connection that we'd lost was reappearing.
On Friday, I remember one of my friends turning to me and saying "Devyn, why are you so depressed? You've been so quiet and sad all week." And then the words that would agonize and haunt me long after they were said, "You've changed Devyn."
My heart dropped then. I knew I had to walk away from this. So I did.
I went to the library.
I was done being controled and morphed into someone who I wasn't.
So I walked away.
My friends got mad and found no fault in themselves. But I don't blame them. I've learned that "when people tell you that you've changed, it just means that you've stopped living your life their way." And that was exactly what happened. I had changed. I had stopped pretending to like what everyone else loved. I finally found the courage to stand for who I was...even if I was standing on my own.
Now it hurts. But I know it was the right thing. I feel more free than ever before, yet also more lonely than ever before.
Hoping and praying for strength,
Dev.
